I don’t know exactly what’s behind my feelings of anxiety. All I know is at night my heart races with general fear and nerves. I’ve started taking St. Johns Wart pills (a natural remedy for mild feelings of unease) in a bid to… well… calm myself.
Perhaps this is all a manifestation of the stress from a difficult year and the uncertainty of the future. There’s no obvious end to the Covid-19 pandemic, so normal activities are curtailed until… when? When do we get to see family and friends again? Events and parties and just going out for a meal at a restaurant (I know we can sorta do the last one but not properly) – when does it all return to normal?
No one has a clue. We might be months away from a vaccine, or years. This virus might be with us for ages, affecting our lives until as a collective we decide that we’re beyond fed up and return to normal lives, and the consequences be damned. This is a frightening possibility, because we’re all reaching our wit’s end with this thing. I myself have had the selfish thought ‘let’s just return to our normal lives, because we can’t sustain this’. I know it selfish, and I won’t actually endorse such a move, but I want to be free to go to the cinema, to take my wife and daughter out for a meal, to hop on the train and see my Mum and Dad, and to actually do all the things I miss doing.
Nothing is helped by confusing rules and an inconsistent application of those rules. The Tories don’t know what they’re doing, so neither does anyone else. Adding to the uncertain future is Brexit, which isn’t really bothering me because of everything else, even though it should, because we’re lurching toward the worst possible outcome of that, and we have no idea what the consequences will be.
Anyway, venting this has already made me feel a bit better. Despite what you see on this blog, actually talking and getting truly personal… that’s quite hard for me. Baring my soul is not something I do often, even with those closest to me.
Writing and re-writing
The lengthy process of updating The Awakening continues. This may emerge as a virtually new story that just so happens to involve the same characters as before, or it will emerge as a retooled version of the original. Going over so many pages of work is time-consuming and I have no idea when I’ll be done. In the meantime, the original interpretation is out there. I’d be honoured if people were to buy it, read it, and of course, review it.
Unfortunately getting the time to re-write my book is proving to be quite a challenge. When I have a day off work I can’t usually get on the laptop during the day and carrying out such work on the phone is next to impossible. This is frustrating, for my brain is at its most creative during the morning. Still, progress has been made. I’ve squeezed what time I’ve been able to get to get two chapters out of the way, with the latest chapter coming along nicely.
By the way, if you have bought The Awakening, I am well aware it speaks of a trilogy. The updated version is likely to be the entire story, though we’ll see how it goes.
We all do it. We all get things wrong. I made a mistake with an order for a customer and I’m annoyed at myself for it. In the grand scheme of things it’s not major or life-changing, but it’s irritating to me. I’d like to think by my age that I’d be a little better at things in general, due to experience if nothing else. Maybe I shouldn’t beat myself up over this so much – no one is perfect and I need to stop being my own worst enemy. Naturally, this hasn’t helped my anxious feelings.
One day at a time. One situation at a time. In the case of The Awakening, one page at a time. Everything will come good in the end.