Self-expression

Occasionally, I’ll read some of the ‘freshly pressed’ material that WordPress offers me. When I do, I find myself wondering if I’m making the most of my blog, if I’m truly reflecting who I am and what I value. Am I using this space to actually express myself, or am I trying too hard to appeal to an audience?

So, what can I express right now? Who am I, and more importantly, who am I now?

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I would like to say that right now I am determined. I have been in my new job for a few months now and having taken myself pretty far from my comfort zone, I am learning to have greater faith in my abilities. I am good with people, I am good at expressing enthusiasm for a product or idea, and I can argue my case. Slowly but surely, I’m pushing myself to do different things – digging out the Wii Fit to get into better shape (I’m not exactly unfit but what harm can it do to improve?), attempting to draw better (you may have seen a few drawings I’ve posted here) and perhaps most importantly, pushing myself harder as a writer.

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Does everyone have a novel in them? I don’t know. Do I? I am trying to find out. I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo, a writing endeavour that takes place every November. The goal is to write a minimum of 50,000 words in thirty days – 1,667 words a day if you stick to the minimum. I’ve already started my effort, in a bid to get into that habit, and if I can successfully turn it into a habit, I might be able to draw out the book I believe I have in me. In the past, I’ve tried to write science fiction (which I love to read and watch), but I always find myself hitting the wall, getting frustrated and giving up with that. For NaNoWriMo, I’m doing something different, and I’m thoroughly determined to see this through.

Drawing Inspiration from Myself

I have often grappled with self-deprecation. There is little question that I can be my own worst enemy. I’ll become lethargic about my chances of succeeding with any given project, I’ll get frustrated if I can’t succeed straight away, or if progress is not immediately apparent. I’ll let doubters and naysayers put me down and won’t offer up much of a defence of myself, and the demons in my head will be given free reign to dance.

Not anymore. You see, I am coming to realise that when I do focus my energies, I am actually quite good at things. Sometimes I worry that I could be a better father, but lately I’ve come to realise just how much my little girl loves me, how important and special to her I am. It strikes me that I must be doing something right.

Likewise, with work, despite moving to a different line of work (well, retail sales from what was basically flat retail, the major difference is in the type of product), I am doing well. I am surprising myself – but should I even be surprised? A little self-confidence can go a long way, and really, there’s no ceiling on what I can achieve or do.

So, my advice to anyone and everyone reading this is – trust yourself. Don’t put yourself down – there will be people who will do that for you, but as long as you believe in your abilities, as long as you hold a fighting sprit and tell yourself everyday you will realise your goals, then you will. If you can do it with a spring in your step then so much the better, but that’s not a requirement.

As for me, I’m going to hit the Wii Fit, write 2,000 words a day, and push at the limits of my skills. Hopefully, I’ll do it with the right touch of flamboyance – that really would be typically me!

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