A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.



​please don’t hate me for what I’m about to do. 

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

I tweeted this earlier but I feel my latest act of brilliance is worthy of a more thorough recap. It’s right up there with asking if Tango & Cash was ‘the one with the dog’ or mixing up my pronunciation of Kirk and Spock (I’ll leave that one to your imagination).

I’m not always a morning person. Sometimes I am, and sometimes, like this morning, I’m not. Still, time waits for no one and besides, the bins needed putting out. So I roused myself, slightly earlier than usual, then set about: emptying the food bin, putting out the rubbish sacks, feeding the cats, making tea and making myself some breakfast. At some stage, my brain decided it was time to do things a little differently. 

Yes folks, I had a eureka moment. I decided it made perfect sense to pour boiling water over my bran flakes. Mmmm, soggy. 

As realisation dawned (and why was I still pouring, even as said dawning took place???), I ordered a full reverse. The cereal was salvageable, albeit a bit warmer than I’d planned for. 

Stay tuned to see if I repeat this remarkable achievement tomorrow!